A Tale Of Two Tournies/Transcript
Cast (in order of appearance): Yami, Mokuba, Kaiba, Pegasus, Yugi, Joey, Tristan, Kemo, Mai, Weevil, Téa, Bakura, Bandit Keith, Paradox Brothers, Yami Bakura, Shadi, Rebecca, Duke Devlin, Marik, Ishizu, Rare Hunter Steve, Espa Roba, Steve Arkana, Strings, Gozaburo Kaiba, Naruto Date: 7 March 2009 Running Time: 6:58 Transcript Intro [[Yugi Moto|'YAMI']]: It was the best of card games, it was the worst of card games. Inside helicopter [[Mokuba Kaiba|'MOKUBA']]: According to the computer, it should take us exactly one episode to reach our destination. [[Seto Kaiba|'KAIBA']]: An entire episode just sitting in a helicopter? How the hell are we going to pass the time? YAMI: Well, we could either play a card game... KAIBA: Without super-advanced holograms? Are you out of your mind? YAMI: Or we could flashback to previous episodes in an attempt to save the animators time and money. KAIBA: Wouldn't that just piss off all our viewers and send our ratings plummeting into the ground? YAMI: Yup. KAIBA: Let's do it. Title Sequence YAMI: Say, Kaiba. Do you remember the first time you and I met? KAIBA: Actually, no. You did that Mind Crush thing to me, so everything's sort of a blur. In fact, I kind of think you gave me brain damage. YAMI: Well, I do. It was a long time ago, when the video quality wasn't very good, and the audio was all muffled and scratchy. Flashback to Episode 1. It is in the form of a silent movie and Kaiba has a mustache and monocle. KAIBA: 'Your brash nature offends me, Mr. Moto! I shall soon put an end to your impertinence!' YAMI: 'You have assembled several creatures!' 'Surely this is a violation?' KAIBA: 'My affluence makes a nonsense of the regulations!' (End flashback; cut back to the helicopter.) KAIBA: Huh. I don't remember ever growing a mustache. But I do remember when Pegasus held the Duelist Kingdom tournament. (Flashback to Pegasus's castle) [[Maximillion Pegasus|'PEGASUS']]: I'm going to host an official card game tournament on my own private island. And there's not a damn thing Konami can do about it. EPISODE 2 (Scene cuts to Yugi's house.) YUGI: (pulls out a video cassette) What is this strange device? JOEY: I believe it's called a video tape. PEGASUS: (Pegasus in the TV) I'm in your TV, kidnapping your grandpa. (grandpa with his hands on the TV) EPISODE 3 YUGI: We have to go rescue him! [[Tristan Taylor|'TRISTAN']]: I'm the Jar Jar Binks of this show. [[Kemo|'KEMO']]: Attention Duelists! My hair is now an internet phenomenon! [[Mai Valentine|'MAI']]: The name's Mai Valentine, no relation to Faye Valentine. [[Weevil Underwood|'WEEVIL']]: Exodia go down the hole. Hehhehheh! EPISODE 4 PEGASUS: Let the Duelist Kingdom Tournament begin! [[Téa Gardner|'TÉA']]: Did anyone else just notice how Yugi suddenly got a lot bigger? TRISTAN: I get bigger sometimes, too. My mom says it's perfectly natural for a boy my age. JOEY: I gotta win this tournament for my loli sister, Serenity. EPISODE 6 KAIBA: Losing a children's card game has caused me to have an existential crisis. (Bodyguards appear at the door with invisible guns) BODYGUARD 1: Freeze, or we'll shoot you. KAIBA: Go right ahead. BODYGUARD 2: Bang, bang!! Ba-dow, ba-dow, ba-dow!! Bang!! KAIBA: Oh, no. You got me. BODYGUARD 1: Hey, stop making fun of our invisible guns. BODYGUARD 2: Bang!! BODYGUARD 1: Larry, stop it. EPISODE 7 GAY CLOWN: I am the ghost of Seto Kaiba. YAMI: Yeah, well I'm Knuckles the Echidna. KAIBA: I'm the goddamn Kaibaman. EPISODE 8 [[Ryo Bakura|'BAKURA']]: I'm here to join you on your adventure. I hope you don't mind, but I brought my fan-girls with me. (Cut to millions of fan-girls in white shirts screaming) JOEY: God, it's like hanging out with the Jonas Brothers. EPISODE 11 JOEY: (to Kaiba) I hate you, Kaiba. KAIBA: And I despise you, Wheeler. CAPTION: interpretation: they must be in wuv! EPISODE 12 (Zombie Boy, Sid, and Zygor roll an enormous rock over a cave's entrance, trapping Yugi and his friends inside.) [[Bandit Keith|'BANDIT KEITH']]: That outta show those no-good terrorists. EPISODE 13 [[Paradox Brothers|'PARA']]: When we're through with you, you will want to submit. DOX: If you ask me, this clip show is a pile of horseshi-- EPISODE 14 KAIBA: Yugi, if you don't let me win this duel, I'll kill myself. YAMI: (sarcastically) Oh no, that would be terrible. What ever would we do without you? TRISTAN: Yousa tinkin yousa people gonna die? YAMI: Shut up, Tristan. EPISODE 15 YUGI: Losing a children's card game has caused me to have an existential crisis! TÉA: I have prepared a friendship speech for such an occasion... YUGI: Never mind, I'm all better now. EPISODE 18 PEGASUS: Woohoohoohoohoo!! If I weren't so very camp, I'd probably make a credible villain. YAMI: You wanna know the main flaw in your evil plan, Pegasus? You based it around a f***ing card game... for children!! PEGASUS: Oh, poopie!! EPISODE 19 YAMI BAKURA: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with I. Guess what? It's your eye. PEGASUS: But that doesn't start with... (Yami Bakura removes Pegasus's Millennium Eye) TÉA: It turns out that Pegasus was just trying to bring back his dead wife. I guess that kinda makes up for all the horrible stuff he put us through. YUGI:...Not really. SHADI: Allow me to bamboozle you with my cryptic nonsense that won't pay off for about five seasons. YUGI: Hey, I just realized, I don't even know your name. YAMI: My name is Yami. CAPTION (with audio of Lex Luthor shouting "WROOOOOOONG!"): 4kids! End flashbacks MOKUBA: How come I don't remember any of this? KAIBA: Because you were a trading card at the time. YAMI: Well, I'm sure you couldn't possibly forget what happened after Duelist Kingdom... Flashback starts EPISODE 20 [[Rebecca Hawkins|'REBECCA']]: This is my best friend, Teddy. Pull his cord and he says an evil backwards message! TEDDY: (this message backwards) You've got way too much time on your hands! REBECCA: Squeeze his paw and he spews blood! EPISODE 21 KAIBA: The graphics for my Duel Monsters video game are incredible! It's just a shame about the Nintendo Wii version. EPISODE 22 [[Duke Devlin|'DUKE']]: (SexyBack plays in the background) I'm Duke Devlin. Worship me, won't you? YAMI: Musn't... look... directly... at his face... So beautiful... no words to describe it!... They should have sent a poet. Flashback ends KAIBA: These flashbacks are making me airsick. YAMI: Hey, do you guys remember the first episode of season 2? KAIBA: Oh God. I'm gonna open a window. Flashback starts EPISODE 23 BANDIT KEITH: I'm taking this Egyptian artifact back to America! Where it belongs! MARIK: Secretly, unbeknownst to Yugi, I am in control of Bandit Keith's mind. Also, I'm not wearing any underwear. BANDIT KEITH: Yah! I don't wanna be an American idiot. YAMI BAKURA: I have placed my soul inside the Millennium Puzzle. Because apparently, I can do that. EPISODE 24 [[Ishizu Ishtar|'ISHIZU']]: Allow me to explain everything. KAIBA: Your exposition is nothing but a load of crap. But your God Cards are very impressive. EPISODE 25 TRISTAN: Serenity's hot! JOEY: She mah sister! TRISTAN: She's still hot, asshole! YUGI: Hey Téa, since I almost died in the previous episode, would you go on a pity date with me? TÉA: Finally, a genuine excuse to dress like a slut. YAMI: Epic pouting maneuver. EPISODE 26 ISHIZU: Allow me to explain everything. Again. YAMI: I instantly believe you. ISHIZU: By the way, your name is definitely Yami. CAPTION ("WROOOOOOONG!" gets shouted again): 4kids'd KAIBA: My Battle City tournament will rock your face off. Only the best duelists in the world get to compete, even though more than half of the competitors are the losers from Duelist Kingdom. EPISODE 28 JOEY: That Rare Hunter stole my Red Eyes. YAMI: Give Joey back his Red Eyes! [[Rare Hunter|'RARE HUNTER STEVE']]: OK. Geez! YAMI: Here you are, Joey. JOEY: I don't want it any more. YAMI: God! Make up your mind. EPISODE 29 ROBA: I have tremendous psychic powers! JOEY: Stop yelling at me! ROBA: What? This is my normal speaking voice. EPISODE 30 (Arkana and Yami singing "Magical Trevor 4" as their Dark Magicians attack and destroy each other.) EPISODE 31 TRISTAN (to Joey during his duel with Weevil): This is a bug hunt, Joey! A bug hunt! Game over, man! Game over! EPISODE 32 MARIK (as Strings): I have no personality whatsoever. Cower before my blandness! EPISODE 33 YAMI BAKURA: We should be partners. MARIK: You mean like partners in crime? YAMI BAKURA: Yeah, that's precisely what I meant. EPISODE 34 YAMI: Marik has kidnapped my friends! KAIBA: Then let's get inside this helicopter and go rescue them! Flashbacks end YAMI: And then we got inside the helicopter. KAIBA: Yeah, those were some good times. Feels like it was just last week. YAMI: Indeed, and now we're going to save my friends, if my name isn't Yami. KAIBA: Hey Yugi, remember when this episode began? Flashback starts Intro sequence plays again Cut to logo with "You'll Never Stop The Abridged" (to the tune of We Didn't Start the Fire) playing in the background CAPTION: episode is dedicated to everyone out there making their own abridged series Stinger GOZABURO KAIBA: [[Wikipedia:There will be blood|I... drink... your... milkshake! (sucking sound) I drink it up!]] Post-ending YAMI: Hey Kaiba, remember when I cameoed on Naruto the Abridged Series? Flashback starts [[wikipedia:Naruto Uzumaki|'NARUTO']]: Hey, Sasuke, in the English Dub, I sound like I smoke too much! Believe it! YAMI: (with Sasuke behind him) Hey, when do I get paid for this? 2x13